If you ever have an enemy that you want to torture, just secretly plant bedbugs in their bed and let them go to town.

Bedbugs (otherwise known as Satan’s Spawn) have some kind of anesthetic in their saliva so that you cannot feel it while they’re sucking your blood and stealing your soul.

Apparently, some lucky folks are unaffected by bedbug bites.  Others, like me, suffer incessant itching and temporary insanity from them.  Honestly, if I had murdered someone while under the influence of bedbug bites, I think I could have gotten off.  The itching is like a poison ivy rash on crack.  No amount of mental effort can stop you from scratching.  Creams don’t work.  Antihistamine pills don’t work.  “Taking your mind off it” doesn’t work.  Even EATING doesn’t help.  What?!?!

When I read that it can take two weeks for bedbug bites to heal, I thought I might cry.  Fortunately, I only suffered like this for 24 hours.  But I really felt like I was going to lose my s**t and I constantly announced it; just ask Lauren and Natalie, who had to deal with both me AND their own bedbug bites at the same time.  #theworst

In addition to the physical discomfort inflicted by bedbugs, there is also the mental torment.  For several days, or even weeks, it will constantly feel like bugs are crawling on you while you’re trying to sleep.  You’ll get up, turn on the lights, double/triple check the sheets/mattress/bed frame, find nothing, get back into bed, and “feel” the bugs on you all over again.  It’s amazing the tricks your mind will play on you.  And by “amazing” I mean “awful”.